Date: Wed, 25 Sep 1996 09:21:00 -0400


Subject: Re: English as she is written

I've seen this humorous piece about the EEC floating around the

internet. However, it appears that Mark Twain did it first, and IMHO,

better. Enjoy.



A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped

to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer

be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained

would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2

might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the

same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with

"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear

with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12

or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.

Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi

ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz

ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud

hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.


From: Kim & Rima McKinzey

To: Multiple recipients of list ADS-L

Subject: English as she is written

Date: Monday, September 23, 1996 3:22AM

This was forwarded to me and I thought y'all might like it too.



Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the

European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of

improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is

unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through

and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes

to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be

administered by a committee staff at top level by participating


In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'

instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would

resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'

sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up

konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be

made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be

announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.

This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be

expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are

possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters

which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is

disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as

though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the

skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing

'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v',

vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o

kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of

kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl

riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and

evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt

vud finali hav kum tru.