Date: Wed, 25 Sep 1996 09:21:00 -0400
From: Trey Jones TJones[AT SYMBOL GOES HERE]DATAWARE.COM
Subject: Re: English as she is written
I've seen this humorous piece about the EEC floating around the
internet. However, it appears that Mark Twain did it first, and IMHO,
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
From: Kim & Rima McKinzey
To: Multiple recipients of list ADS-L
Subject: English as she is written
Date: Monday, September 23, 1996 3:22AM
This was forwarded to me and I thought y'all might like it too.
ENGLISH IS TOO COMPLICATED
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of
improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through
and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes
to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing
'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v',
vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o
kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.