Date: Tue, 24 Mar 1998 12:17:24 EST
Subject: EuroEnglish

I tried to send this piece from an a-drive document last week and it came
through gibberish. So, I'm taking the time out of a busy schedule to type the
whole thing. I hope you enjoy it. I found it in The Best of American Humor of
1994, edited by Moshe Waldoks, pub. by Simon & Schuster. It was listed under
miscellaneous and no author was listed. Here goes:

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasbility study in way of improving efficient
in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough plough, rough, through, and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out
these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sites would reseive
this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both
letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the
minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed
that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reatsh the stage where more komplikated tshanges are possible. Governments
would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a
deterent to akirate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though
nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and
peopl would be reseptiv to steps sutch as replacing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen
ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.
Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.
Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vue eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no more trublsm difikultis and
everivun vud fin it ezi tu understand etsh ozer. Ze drems of Mr. Orvel vud
finali hav kum tru.