Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 11:47:49 CST

From: Ellen Johnson Ellen.Johnson[AT SYMBOL GOES HERE]WKU.EDU

Subject: night before xmas

The following seems to be making the internet rounds and I thought it

might be of interest to some of you as a parody of lexical choice in a

particular register, to describe it in my own jargon. I found it odd that

it was entitled: A Politically Correct Night Before Christmas. Ellen

'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by a technical writer for a

firm that does Government contracting . . .

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual

Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic

activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,

including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery

was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning

caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an

imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose

folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective

accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual

hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically

through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our

nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the

hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the

grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt

compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose

of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this

fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,

reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline

precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself

- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a

miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive

specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur

so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he

was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power

travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than

patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath

musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by

his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -

guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which

structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the

32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was

performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -

with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke

passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony

residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on

the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed

largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in

a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his

submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging

amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance

were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the

former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the

latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and

supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their

ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and

columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey

fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a

decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was

high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region

undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical

container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,

jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me

visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By

rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head

slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was


Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the

aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned

articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously

dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he

executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral

juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a

gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by

renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself

in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of

air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of

burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable

chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I

overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his

vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the

planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest

wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period

between sunset and dawn."

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Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 11:38:00 -0500


Sender: owner-odaat[AT SYMBOL GOES HERE]

From: "Gehman, Kirk" GehmanK[AT SYMBOL GOES HERE]

To: For people in 12 step recovery programs to share experiences odaat[AT SYMBOL GOES HERE]

Subject: FW: A Politically Correct Night Before Christmas

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